Pacing and leading depend on the quality of rapport that you have build up.  If you go too fast or move too abruptly you will break rapport.  (When that happens you will need to ‘go back’ and pace them again.) 

Some people are uncomfortable with the idea of ‘leading’, as if it is manipulative or controlling.  But you will not be able to create rapport, to enter into that relationship with someone, if you doing it with an intention to control: remember rapport is a two-way street, a relationship between people, and that by pacing someone (in order to lead) you are in effect joining someone else’s reality, their map of the world.  You can only do this effectively by respecting their model of the world (another of the presuppositions of NLP).

A really simple way to think about pacing and leading (and again I am grateful to Joseph O’Connor for the metaphor) is to imagine that you are walking alongside someone.  If you are walking too fast they will have to hurry to keep up, too slow and they’ll feel like they’re dawdling.  Either way they’re the ones who are having to make the effort. 

If you want to change someone’s speed the first thing you need to do is walk alongside them at their pace for a while.  That is you matching what they are doing (in terms of speed, physiology and so on) but a deeper level you are signalling respect for their model of the world, and a willingness to enter into it.

Then, once you have rapport, change your pace to one that suits you better and they will be more likely to speed up or slow down… in a totally natural way.

There’s no way that any map can do justice to the criss-crossing streets, the rabbit’s warren of narrow closes, the dizzying effect as you look over a bridge and see the dark chasm of another road running deep beneath your feet.

There’s a constant shift in experience: from darkness to sudden bursts of light, from the noise of taxis
pounding the cobbles to the silence of a deserted alleyway, from the bustle of modern shops and cafes to the quiet history of narrow lanes that haven’t changed in centuries…

The reality you think you know is always changing, always richer, more intriguing, more full of possibilities than you had seen or believed or remembered…

And this is a metaphor that works at so many different levels. “The map is not the territory” is one of the key presuppositions of NLP. It’s saying that we do not know what reality is, we just construct a “map” of that reality based on our senses, beliefs and past experience. The map can never be completely accurate – it is just a representation, not reality itself.

And often our maps have limitations that have crept in from habits, from experience, from limiting beliefs. Remembering that the map is not the territory – that the territory is more, is different, unknown, possible – can be a really powerful way to open up choices and give us greater freedom of action.

And you know sometimes you can step off your map just by going for a walk. Maybe somewhere new – a bit of the territory that you haven’t explored before. Or somewhere really familiar – but with different eyes. You might be pleasantly surprised with what you discover…

Or just change one of your ingrained routines. Do something different, go somewhere new.

When I was out walking yesterday I went somewhere different for coffee. A place I’d walked past hundreds of times but never been inside. Just pushed open the door and – well to be honest it was like entering another world. The narrow entrance hid a huge seated area with views of the Castle to die for. Full of young people, students, foreign visitors: reading the paper, posing, flirting, exchanging ideas, enjoying cafe society. A whole other universe, right off my map but just the push of a door away.

So why not try stepping off your map this week… You might be amazed what you find – and what other possibilities open up before you…

Richard Bandler defined NLP as an attitude and methodology that leaves behind a trail of techniques.  John Grinder said it is an accelerated learning strategy for the detection and utilization of patterns in the in the world.  Some people say it is the influence of language on our mind and subsequent behaviour.  Or you could say that it is learning to read maps – your own and other people’s – and the art of changing those maps, playfully and lovingly, to create more choices and open new doors.

Or you might say that NLP is like the story of the 18th camel…

A wise man rode into a desert village one evening as the sun was setting. Dismounting from his camel, he asked one of the villagers for a drink of water.

‘Of course,’ said the villager and gave him a cup of water.  The traveller drank the whole cupful.  ‘Thank you,’ he said.  ‘Can I help you at all before I travel on?’

‘Yes,’ said the young man.  ‘We have a dispute in our family.  I am the youngest of three brothers.  Our father died recently, God rest his soul, and all he possessed was a small herd of camels.  Seventeen, to be exact.  He decreed in his will that one half of the herd was to go to my oldest brother, one third to the middle brother and one ninth to me.  But how can we divide a herd of 17?  We do not want to chop up any camels, they are worth far more alive.’

‘Take me to your house,’ said the sage.

When he entered the house he saw the other two brothers and the man’s widow sitting around the fire arguing.  The youngest brother interrupted them and introduced the traveller.

‘Wait,’ said the wise man, ‘I think I can help you.  Here, I give you my camel as a gift.  Now you have 18 camels.  One half goes to the eldest, that’s nine camels.  One third goes to the middle son, that’s six camels.  And one ninth goes to my friend here, the youngest son.  That’s two.’

‘That’s only 17 altogether,’ said the youngest son.

‘Yes.  By a happy coincidence, the camel left over is the one I gave to you.  If you could possibly give it back to me I will continue on my journey.’

And he did.

So how is NLP like the story of the 18th camel?

Well of course, the best stories, like the best magic tricks, are never explained, but just this once here are some possible meanings….

The wise man demonstrates some key principles of NLP.  He:

• Establishes rapport from the outset
• Respects the family’s view of the world, but doesn’t have to believe what they believe
• Realises that they are doing the best the can with the resources they have available
• Is flexible in his choice of response
• Introduces new possibilities, using existing resources

The intervention:

• Delivers the result the family wanted
• Doesn’t take any longer than it has to
• Doesn’t require the family to rake over the past or relive the arguments
• Leads to increased wholeness (all the camels survive!)

Joseph O’Connor, who coined this example, wonders if NLP could be like the 18th camel as it is brought into the situation by a wise person, it solves the problem quickly, and then disappears as if it had never been there…

With thanks to Joseph O’Connor’s NLP Workbook for the fabulous story!

The words we use are not the event or the item they represent. Although the words we use to describe an event are chosen to represent it, the words themselves are not the event itself. We create our own version of reality – our map – based on past experiences, beliefs and memories.

People respond to their ‘map’ of reality, not to reality itself. How people make sense of the world around them is through their senses and from their own personal experience; this means that each individual’s
perception of an event is different. Another key presupposition is respect for the other person’s model – their map – of the world.

NLP can be described as the art of changing our maps to create more choices.

As an NLP practitioner it is part of my code of ethics to act in accordance with these presuppositions. You can find out more about the code of ethics here.

Some of the presuppositions of NLP:

Have respect for the other person’s model of the world. We are all unique and experience the world in different ways. Everyone is individual and has their own special way of being.

The map is not the territory. People respond to their ‘map’ of reality, not to reality itself. How people make sense of the world around them is through their senses and from their own personal experience; this means that each individual’s perception of an event is different

Mind and body form a linked system. Your mental attitude affects your body and your health and, in turn how you behave.

If what you are doing isn’t working, do something else. Flexibility is the key to success.

Choice is better than no choice. Having options can provide more opportunities for achieving results.

We are always communicating. Even when we remain silent, we are communicating. Non-verbal communication can account for a large proportion of a message.

The meaning of your communication is the response you get. While your intention may be clear to you, it is the other person’s interpretation and response that reflects your effectiveness. NLP teaches you the skills and flexibility to ensure that the message you send equals the message they receive.

There is no failure, only feedback. What seemed like failure can be thought of as success that just stopped too soon. With this understanding we can stop blaming ourselves, find solutions and improve the quality of what we do.

Behind every behaviour there is a positive intention. When we understand that other people have some positive intention in what they say and do (however annoying and negative it may seem to us), it can be easier to stop getting angry and start to move forward.

Anything can be accomplished if the task is broken down into small enough steps. Achievement becomes easier if activities are manageable; NLP can help you learn how to analyse what needs to be done and find ways to be both efficient and effective.